Thanks – I think – to Scott for reminding me how mortifying yet sublime it is to see Doug “I Am All That is Man” Giles have his way with the English language. This column isn’t even his “best” work, but it reminds me that I need to check in with the Metrosexual Ted Nugent more often.

I was going to make a crack about how he mixes metaphors, but then I thought, no, “mix” can’t really do justice to what it is Giles actually does. After all, doesn’t “mix” seem pretty harmless, or even beneficial? Don’t you think of things like CDs or recipes, where mixing different ingredients leads to something even better?

No, this is something far more malevolent and sinister. It’s like…Doug is the fog on the information superhighway that causes fifty-metaphor pileups. He should call his column “Giles Mountain” with warning signs telling you to turn on your lights and watch for slow-moving vehicles. Besides, a mountain has a vaguely phallic image about it, and we all know how much Doug loves to stress what a heterosexual, macho, non-gay, 100% U.S.D.A. red-meat, un-swishy, predatory testosterone factory he is.