Ahhh. The only thing sweeter than the taste of all the salty tears of Chelsea players after Barcelona sent them packing from the Champions League has been reading the subliterate ravings of their mouthbreathing fans on various message boards.

The referee’s performance has led some to speculate about a conspiracy to prevent an all-English final with Barcelona’s away-goals win putting them into the Rome showpiece against defending champions Manchester United.

Well, of course it was a conspiracy, dears! That’s always the easiest explanation. As we know, referees have never blown calls in big games before. And clearly, UEFA will never allow an all-English final! Except for, you know, last year, when they did. Even Chelsea’s coach Guus Hiddink thinks all this conspiracy talk is bogus:


“When people say it’s all very suspicious then I get rather angry,” roared Guus Hiddink on June 23, 2002.

“Italy and Spain should look at themselves and their shortcomings rather than the referee’s.

“It’s easy to go on blaming referees or linesmen. Of course they make mistakes, but coaches make mistakes, players make mistakes, and the press make mistakes. They go for you and against you.”


Oh, my bad! That was Guus when he coached South Korea to the semifinals of the 2002 World Cup, benefiting greatly from controversial calls along the way. Guus 2009 seems to feel a bit differently:

“Of course players can make mistakes, coaches can mistakes and referees can make mistakes, but that is all in the game. But if you have seen three or four situations waved away then that is the worst refereeing I have seen.

“At this moment I have to think a lot if I have ever seen worse,” the Dutchman said.

Seriously, though, maybe if Didier Drogba had tried staying on his feet instead of flopping around like a wounded fish after every strong breeze sent him sprawling, you all would have been able to score more. Hell, even Cristiano Ronaldo isn’t that fucking pathetic. Maybe if Michael Ball(s)ack had a talent for anything other than turning the ball over and screaming at referees, you could have had more possession and done something with it. Speaking of Ball(s)ack, what about his handball in the box that didn’t get called? How about the ridiculous red card against Abidal that forced Barcelona to play a man down for the final half-hour? Chelsea couldn’t take advantage of a giftwrapped opportunity like that? Fuck you, you whining losers. Spend the offseason learning how to grow the fuck up. And send that moronic man-child Drogba back to kindergarten, where he can learn some basic self-control.


Now if those fucking tools can just lose the FA Cup final to Everton too, I’ll be ecstatic.