No, Al Swearengen, No

On another occasion, America’s greatest modern philosopher also said:

“I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There’s nothing wrong with suckin’ dicks. Men do it, women do it; can’t be all bad if everybody’s doin’ it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That’s my advice. I’m here to help.”

“Cocksucker.” Such a common epithet, isn’t it? Who hasn’t used it on occasion? And yet, and yet…has there ever been a more unjustly denigrated activity, a more unfairly maligned pastime? Find me a man, one single, solitary man, I say, who would claim to be opposed to blowjobs on practical or philosophical grounds, and you will have also found a brazen liar. Indeed, Mr. Carlin, there is nothing wrong with it at all.

Isn’t it time for the opprobrium to end?

I don’t say this out of some p.c. consideration, because I do think language will always evade our attempts to place it under ideological restraints. But neither does it follow, I think, that enlightened individuals can’t choose their words more carefully to better reflect their values and more accurately describe the world they see. When you see how many of our most vicious insults are sexual terms rooted in ugly, troglodytic attitudes that should be consigned to the dust heap of history, why continue to use them and validate the mentality that spawned them? And in the case of a word like “cocksucker”, which manages to combine misogyny and homophobia, with the aforementioned hypocrisy as a bonus, what cosmopolitan, civilized person could object to making a change?

Therefore, I move that we substitute a very similar word for it: “cockbiter“. As you can see, this is hardly a drastic adjustment, phonetically speaking, but what a world of difference it makes in meaning! Who has any sympathy for the scoundrel too careless to avoid dragging an incisor along the sensitive shaft? What man doesn’t fight to suppress an involuntary shudder at the thought of the sacred trust between tongue and glans being violated by the hostile interjection of bicuspids? Hell, maybe Freud actually got something right for a change!

With our ire more appropriately directed at those ignoble cretins who fail to approach their task with the required skill and gravitas rather than the act itself, “cocksucker” can take its rightful place as a term of endearment and affection. I look forward to that great day when you can go to the “Cocksucker’s Day” section of Hallmark to pick out a card to send to your favorite practitioner, but that long journey begins with this simple step.

Change we can believe in, my friends.