Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, who spent time in prison for his involvement in dog fighting, said Tuesday having a dog as a pet would help in his rehabilitation.
In an interview with NBC News and TheGrio.com, Vick said, “I would love to get another dog in the future. I think it would be a big step for me in the rehabilitation process.”
Since I’m all sweetness and light at this magical time of year, I’ll refrain from openly commenting on this and instead, ask you, the reader, to simply imagine what I might have written. Then triple the amount of venomous loathing and add a heaping helping of curse words, inventing new ones if necessary. Scream. Break something.

Yet sustained outrage benefits no one. And while the unrepentant and the demonstrably unreformable don’t deserve second or third chances, society has to allow for the possibility of redemption. If Michael Vick is always going to be that dogfighting guy, what’s his incentive to not be? What was the point of his jail term and current volunteer work? If we forever treat people like the person they were at their lowest, most despicable moments, how can we expect them not to believe that’s who they are, and behave accordingly? As Pacelle wrote, “We must be open to the possibility that rehabilitation is possible, and faithful to our hope that people can change.” And if we believe in and support the abundant goodness of businesses that include “humane” in their names, we have to believe that word is as applicable to people, even people like Michael Vick, as it is to animals.

Oh, shut the fuck up, you goddamned fucking moron. Where do I even begin with this?
If Michael Vick is always going to be that dogfighting guy, what’s his incentive to not be?
Gee, I dunno, maybe not wanting to ruin his career by returning to prison? The knowledge that there’s no way he could get away with doing it again?
If we forever treat people like the person they were at their lowest, most despicable moments, how can we expect them not to believe that’s who they are, and behave accordingly?
So, it’s not enough that he got to return to being a multimillionaire athlete with more than enough fans who wouldn’t care if he raped a convent full of nuns as long as he keeps throwing touchdown passes? He has to be publicly forgiven by PETA and the HSUS and people like me, who have spent countless time, energy and money trying to heal the damage that worthless scumbags like Vick have done, or else he might as well go right back to his old ways? If we don’t pamper his fee-fees, he’s going to haz a sad? Well, here’s a proposition for you, you stupid fuck: if he can bear our slings and arrows with grace and understanding, accepting that he has no right to expect any differently, maybe that would be a sign that he has become a better person. Nonetheless, we are not fucking obliged to provide him with more dogs to prove it. He can show what a difference Jesus has made in his heart in plenty of other ways.
And maybe I’m cynical, or maybe I’m just simply not naïve, but I don’t believe for a fucking second that a grown man who got his jollies watching dogs maul each other for his own entertainment, who then tortured and murdered them with his own bare hands, who gave no indication that he would have ever stopped had he not run afoul of the law, has suddenly developed a conscience and an abhorrence for such behavior. If you believe that, you’re probably the kind of dipshit who was impressed by that “come to Jesus” moment his lawyer scripted for him when the news first broke. Like all criminals, he’s sorry he got caught and had to be punished, which is not the same fucking thing.
And if we believe in and support the abundant goodness of businesses that include “humane” in their names, we have to believe that word is as applicable to people, even people like Michael Vick, as it is to animals.
What the fuck does this inane word salad even mean? Didn’t this have to go through an editor at any point? So the “humane” thing to do would be to give him a dog? I take it, then, that the logical implication is that denying him a dog would be inhumane? You really think he’s unfairly suffering here? Can you truly be stupid enough to believe that? Oh, and as for that stunning non-sequitur: we don’t “have to believe” any such thing.
Jesus, what an imbecile. You know, I knew after he returned to football that it would only be a matter of time before someone went there. If there’s one thing this idiot nation absolutely loves, it’s a sappy fucking redemption story with a happy ending.