It’s a common complaint among my fellow atheists that the majority of our countrymen think us to be immoral simply because we don’t fear celestial punishment in a nonexistent afterlife. It’s bordering on cliché to say that atheists have no chance of ever being elected to high office here. But I have even more cause to feel aggrieved, as it appears that 80% of potential jurors would likely adjudge me a criminal just because of my magnificent facial plumage. This, despite scientific evidence proving me to be the most trustworthy person you know. Imagine if I were on trial for a capital crime and refused to swear on “a book of Bronze Age fables”, before smirking insolently and sitting back to stroke my hirsute cheeks and chin! Would I even make it to sentencing, or would they just draw and quarter me right there in the courtroom?

Funny, too, given that I just got the notice summoning me to be on standby for federal jury duty from June through December. I can tell you right now, anyone with even a few visible whiskers is going to walk as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if they’re sporting a necklace of human body parts. This tyranny of the smooth-cheeked must be brought down.