Whoa. Herman Cain literally has thunder? Well, you know, traditionally, the thunder gods were the head of the pantheon, so I’m surprised Cain isn’t the nominee already. But more to the point: we all know what happened to Prometheus for stealing enough of a spark from Zeus’s lightning to bring fire to humankind. Given what we know already of Perry’s, ah, problematic racial issues, is it wise of him to be provoking a thunder-having black man? What would the punishment be for a Texas Republican? Would he be chained to that infamous rock for eternity and forced to read every scientific paper ever published on climate change while being sodomized by an endless line of gay atheists? Or, given his fondness for capital punishment, perhaps Cain would electrocute him with lightning bolts several times a day before bringing him back to life? Or will he be covered in cheese and tomato sauce (plus two toppings) and left to the wild animals?
Or — maybe I should have asked this to begin with — is it even possible to literally steal something metaphorical?