When Out on the Lawn There Arose Such a Clatter

December 24, 2011 — Santa Claus was arrested today on charges of animal abuse after police and FBI agents raided his reindeer ranch outside of Anamoose, North Dakota and found Donner and Blitzen passed out in a pool of their own vomit.

Guided by loud snoring sounds, law enforcement officers had little trouble locating the prostrate pair of oversized ungulates inside a corral stinking of urine and littered with empty Schnapps bottles.

An FBI source said authorities were acting on a tip from a disgruntled elf. “Some pissed-off midget dropped a dime on the old fart, for sure,” said the agent.

A neighbor of the well-known children’s idol and Consumer Age mega-icon, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted that he frequently caught glimpses of celebrity reindeer Rudolf on the grounds of the fenced compound, sometimes grazing unsteadily, sometimes guzzling avidly at a large bowl.

“That red nose should have tipped me off that ‘the Antlered One’ had a major league drinking problem,” said the neighbor. “No way you get a neon schnoz like that unless you’ve been hitting the happy sauce big time. The pressure of stardom, it was obviously getting to him, and Santa, that enabling a-hole, he was always leading the poor dumb critter to that industrial-sized punch bowl, you know, sort of egg-nogging him on. I wanted to call an animal control officer or something, but this Santa guy, yeah, he’s real jolly and stuff when he’s sober, but Christ, what a mean drunk! When the Clausmeister’s liquored up, watch out, dude, he’ll pull that stick of his bag and beat the living bejeezus out of you before you can say, Ho-ho-holy crap! Try to run away and he’ll bonk you upside the head with big-ass chunk of coal. Got an arm like Johnny Unitas, that fat bastard. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and he’s a total asshole!”

Reporters caught sight of the obese, mystically ubiquitous shopping mall shill as he was being led away by police, clad only in stained long-johns, his white beard dyed a distinct shade of yellow, apparently by nicotine stains. With bags under his eyes, a puffy face, and cheeks several hues redder than rosy, he bore little resemblance to the kindly nocturnal visitant sometimes caught on camera eating cookies and drinking a glass of milk with a sheepish grin in affluent households across the country. “I got your badge numbers,” he was heard to shout in what seemed to be an advanced state of inebriation as he struggled with the arresting officers. “Don’t worry, you fucking pigs, I’ll be keeping a list and checking it twice. You like presents? Boom! Ka-Pow! A bunker-buster straight down the chimney, how’s that for a stocking stuffer, blue boy?”

Several elves were also taken into custody on suspicion of being illegal aliens. It appears that many of Mr. Claus’ underpaid and overworked assembly line workers were smuggled here from the Land of Oz. Two of these cuddly sociopaths have been the subjects of a year-long Munchkin-hunt. Police say the pair are wanted on charges of pixie-dust trafficking.

Mrs. Claus, who has been separated from her husband since 1996, declined to comment on the incident when contacted at her home in Boca Raton, Florida.

Mr. Claus’s attorneys have told reporters that they will be issuing a statement tomorrow. A hearing is scheduled for some time next week.