Ben Cost:

Research shows that flowing facial hair might have evolved to help fight-hungry humans better absorb blows to the head, according to a new study published in the journal Integrative Organismal Biology.

“Might” seems to be doing an awful lot of work in that sentence. This triggered a memory, and sure enough, I see it was about eight years ago, in response to similar dubious assertions, that I skeptically inquired:

“Has any man outside of a Chuck Norris joke ever grown such a magnificent bramble patch upon his face that it could absorb punches? This is something I would surely like to see.”

So what’s the line of thought here? That men who survived battle without broken jaws had better reproductive success with women? But I thought other studies claimed that beards are widely seen as less attractive to women and a sign of untrustworthiness in general! Wouldn’t that be a net negative as far as evolution is concerned? I suppose I’m asking the wrong questions here. What I meant was, how can I get hold of some of this grant money? I can produce irrelevant information and improbable conclusions as well as any professional!