jests japes jokes jollies

Nostradumbass

By in fresh hell, jests japes jokes jollies, non compos mentis, the madness of crowds No Comments


The end is near! Again!

It amuses me to find that somewhere down in my numb, blackened core, I still retain a vestigial capacity to be surprised by the latest shiny object people have latched onto. What is all this shit about 2012? I got stuck in a room yesterday with someone who tried to tell me about it.

Human civilization may very well come to an end sometime soon, or at least suffer a severe self-inflicted downgrade. But if it happens, it will be because we’re just naked chimpanzees prone to fanatical aggression who are muddling on through the best we can with no idea why. This yearning to throw off the yoke of responsibility for one’s life and submit to some glorious divine plan that has been there all along is just embarrassing to witness. Stop it. Stop it right now.

…And Your Little God, Too

By in atheism, jests japes jokes jollies, religion No Comments

I wasn’t aware he had a normal side:

Catholic League President Bill Donohue presented a paranoid side of his personality to Fox News Monday morning, declaring that “militant, dogmatic” atheists are “out to get” Catholics and dismantle American society.

And I know the Lebowski quotations are IOZ’s thing, but still, this is just too tempting:

“But the new radicals are the nihilists, all they want to do is tear down the cultural edifice of American society. They are intellectually spent, they have nothing to offer.”

Walter Sobchak: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.

“This was the most Nazi-like assault,” Donohue said. “The most unrelenting half an hour of bashing I’ve ever seen.”

The Nazi comparison appears to be Donohue’s theme for his publicity battle with Penn & Teller, which he blames on CBS, as it owns Showtime, the network that airs Penn & Teller’s show.

“The Nazis couldn’t have done better,” Donohue said in a statement.

Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Don’t Get Sick

By in augean stables, jests japes jokes jollies, waiting for the barbarians No Comments

The Cajun Cryptkeeper says we should let Republicans win the fight over health care reform because —

g i a n t
 
l e a p
 
o f
 
l o g i c
— it will lead to Mo-Betta Democrats™, who will —
f r e e – f a l l
 
i n t o
t h e
c a n y o n
 
o f
w i s h f u l
t h i n k i n g

— be forced to come up with new ways to justify doing nothing, I suppose.

That’s assuming that the Bullshit Strategy doesn’t work, though.

This Message Brought to You by Porn Stars for Abstinence Education

By in augean stables, jests japes jokes jollies, waiting for the barbarians No Comments

Yeah, you know, if you want to tell kids to not be fools, play by the rules, stay in school, it’s probably best if you don’t hire a motivational speaker who dropped out in ninth grade and grifted his way to fame and fortune.

Iran only needs to look next door to be reminded that cooperating fully with inspectors to prove that you have nothing but Ewok weapons to defend yourself with will lead to nothing but brazen lies about your obstinate refusal to cooperate, followed by invasion and occupation.

We Have Always Been at War with Obesity

By in jests japes jokes jollies, ohferfucksake, tribalism No Comments

Wasn’t it the eminent scholar of fascism, Jonah Goldberg, who called our attention to the theretofore unnoticed line connecting healthy lifestyles to the death camps? What, has the right wing gotten in touch with their inner health Nazis all of a sudden?

The Surgeon General’s job is a bureaucratic one; I’m sure Benjamin can keep up to date on the latest health news, give lectures and shuffle papers full of statistics as well as any skinny person. It’s not as if she’s going to be leading the nation every morning at eight a.m. in a televised, government-mandated five-mile jog, and needless to say (but I will anyway), if she were going to do something like that, these same people would have one enormous, collective aneurgasm. The howls of outrage would be deafening as our basement-dwelling shut-ins would be frantically stockpiling candy and soda while insisting that the Bill of Rights guaranteed everyone the opportunity to eat junk food soaked in beer for breakfast, who do these granola-munching hippies think they are, and so on.

It’s almost like they just reflexively bitch and complain no matter what.

That Was Then, This Is Now

By in bread and circuses, jests japes jokes jollies, music No Comments

News to me:

Chris Daughtry of the multiplatinum band Daughtry inducted Bon Jovi and Sambora. Afterward, Bon Jovi, with Sambora on a double-neck guitar, performed “Wanted: Dead or Alive,” one of Bon Jovi’s many signature hits.

Earlier in the evening, Daughtry talked about the impact Bon Jovi had on his band. “They’re a huge influence on our career as songwriters, as performers, as people,” he said.

As it happens, I knew Chris Daughtry for several years before he became famous — played guitar together, I went to see his Creed/Tool-sounding band play shows in town a couple of times, all that good stuff. His ex is still one of my closest friends, and she told me after his stint on American Idol that it really irked her to see him playing a Bon Jovi song on there, given that he had always hated them and given her shit for listening to them. She’s gonna love this.

There’s a Reason for That

By in augean stables, jests japes jokes jollies, waiting for the barbarians No Comments

If I were this abysmally fucking stupid, I wouldn’t want to speak my name either.

So, I guess when Obama was making promises last year about bringing troops home, he didn’t know the economy was bad? What does it say when attempts to defend him are predicated on him being even more oblivious than Dubya?

I thought reading Digby’s comments periodically had inured me to the most outlandish attempts to make excuses for the guy, but holy fuck, was I wrong.

Pathetic Noose

By in bread and circuses, jests japes jokes jollies, the big sleep No Comments

Now I can never unknow the image of a senior citizen accidentally strangling himself while jacking off.

It does make me wonder if this sort of thing has caused a decrease in the number of guys who commit suicide by hanging. I’m picturing some poor schlub, beaten down by life, weary of it all, who decides to use a gun or sleeping pills or jump off a bridge because he just can’t stand the thought of having his final, harrowing expression of unbearable existential pain diminished by the rumor circulating afterward that he was just too clumsy while freaky-masturbating. Just one indignity too far, you know?

Or maybe guys who do hang themselves are going to film the entire event while dressed in winter clothes, just to be safe.

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