Yet for months, the em dash has been the victim of a relentless campaign of online persecution the likes of which no punctuation mark, not even the semicolon, has ever seen. Any chucklehead who disagrees with an online post can, if that post happens to include an em dash, dismiss it with the claim that it was written by a chatbot. It’s gotten so bad that people on random subreddits are having to issue PSAs informing their fellow users that em dashes were not invented by ChatGPT. These people are heroes of our time. Normally I’m an enthusiastic advocate of AI-shaming, but I will not stand idly by while you make the em dash a pawn in your dirty game of bot-spotting.
I’ve been using em dashes for so long, I still make them the old-fashioned way — by pressing “alt+0151.” Hand-crafted quality; that’s the Outis Niemand promise. But anyway, what Philips says is unfortunately true. I’ve seen a few recent examples of people being accused of using AI because of the presence of this arcane sigil known only to sorcerers. Call it linguistic phrenology. Today’s inquisitors don’t measure skulls; they palpate sentences. A dash here, a semicolon there — behold the telltale bump of depravity. In 1692 it was imps and familiars; in 2025 it’s em dashes. Next week the devil’s mark will be ellipses. Or bullet points. Or sentences that begin with “And.” Projection, possibly the only useful concept Freud ever contributed to the world, explains a lot of this as well. What does paranoia feed off of, if not guilt? All those times you copied off the kid next to you in class. All those times you skipped homework to play outside. All those times you enhanced your résumé. All those books you didn’t read in lieu of thumbfucking your phone. You’re all a bunch of lazy frauds. But the surest way to soothe your own shortcut guilt is to accuse everyone else first. “I saw Goody Proctor copying-and-pasting from ChatGPT!”
It’s not just the slack-jawed yokels suspicious of anything longer than a text message who are spooked by the mysteries of glyphs, though. A specter is haunting the professional classes — the specter of large language models. Writing well has long been the mark of educated sophistication or white-collar competence. Now an LLM can draft a decent memo, and the clerisy see ominous portents. So they compensate with punctuation purity tests. It’s the old guild reflex. When a tool escapes the shop, the guild doesn’t improve the craft; it narrows the doorway. When automation gutted factory lines, the sermon was brisk — learn to code. When automation does a drive-by in the severely-educated neighborhoods, we convene a “national conversation,” declare an ethical crisis, and classify the em dash as contraband. If the robot on the shop floor was inevitable, so is the one in your inbox.
