When the Lady of the House was a teenager in the hinterlands, she and her friend Britney drove to a “nearby” town to see a movie. On the way home, Britney spotted her ex-boyfriend’s truck pulled over by the police. As one does in a small town, she pulled up alongside to see what was happening and everyone chatted amiably.
When the Lady arrived home, her mother greeted her at the door: “So, I heard you talked to the cops!”
Furthermore, the family chiropractor had apparently been at the movie theater and reported that she’d walked right past him without saying hello. All this intelligence had reached headquarters before the Lady had even returned from her outing. The Stasi could have learned a few things from rural prairie life.
The Lady’s mother also used to make something of a sport out of spotting people around town. “I saw you at Costco, but you didn’t wave!” There was a harrowing competitive element to this social vigilance. Failure to reciprocate would get you roasted at best, shunned at worst. I wouldn’t want to live under that sort of surveillance — I don’t even enjoy visiting it — but at a safe distance, I can respect the culture that produced it. In a sparsely populated agricultural region, knowing your neighbors and maintaining good relations with them wasn’t merely a pleasant social custom. When blizzards, farming accidents, and vehicle breakdowns miles from town were among the ordinary hazards of life, your social network was part of your survival equipment. You helped people because someday you might need them to help you. The custom had become a duty, and the duty had become a habit.
She has carried those habits into the digital age. On my birthday, I received her customary text greeting, bearing the signature “(sent with Echo).” At some point in the past, she arranged for her electronic assistant to send me a birthday message at the appropriate time. It doesn’t matter to me whether she made that arrangement the day before or six months ago. She thought of it at some point, decided it was important, and made sure it happened. Given the likelihood of being somewhere out of cellular service on the day itself, she may have been especially prudent. I don’t take it as a sign of inauthenticity that she didn’t hand-craft those characters in a fit of affection mere moments before they appeared on my end.
I mention this because I’ve recently read two essays about the supposed difficulties of maintaining friendships in the technological age. In UnHerd, Matthew Gasda worries that AI assistants will rob friendship of its essential friction. In the Atlantic, Julie Beck confesses to being a chronically bad texter. She describes setting a daily reminder to answer her accumulated messages, which helps, but makes her uneasy about treating her loved ones as though they were a productivity problem rather than a source of joy. I agree with Gasda’s skepticism of Silicon Valley’s perennial promise that removing obstacles to communication will somehow produce better relationships. Short of implanting chips in our brains that allow us to transmit messages as soon as we think of them, I don’t see how communication could possibly become much easier. And yet people still neglect to communicate. Beck’s complaint, by contrast, strikes me as more evidence of the self-absorption that inevitably accompanies the therapeutic concern with personal feelings over obligations to others. I can easily imagine the Lady’s mother listening to this elaborate account of emotional ambivalence with mounting impatience.
“Well, make up your mind! If you can’t remember to send the message on your own, then use the automation! But if you don’t like automating it, remember it yourself! Nobody’s making you use the damn thing!”
“But it makes me feel—”
“Well, whose problem is that?”
Pace Virginia Woolf, on or about 2011, human character changed. The smartphone had arrived, and with it a new incapacity to remember birthdays, answer messages, or arrange meetings. Armed with devices capable of performing nearly every clerical function formerly entrusted to a secretary, we apparently became less able to fulfill our social obligations. According to some demographics, at least. The younger people I know are quick to offer therapeutic explanations. They have ADHD, depression, anxiety, insufficient emotional bandwidth, or some other impediment to remembering that the rest of us exist. I couldn’t help but notice that many of my younger friends, despite living with smartphones grafted onto their palms, forgot to text on my birthday. I can’t help but think that rehearsing a steady narrative about your inability to perform the normal functions of “adulting” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The older generation, to which the Lady’s mother belongs, was taught to regard such difficulties as problems to be managed, not as permissions to disappoint other people. If you couldn’t remember something, you wrote it down. If you weren’t in the mood, you did it anyway. Your feelings didn’t automatically settle the question of what you owed somebody else. One advantage of cultivating discipline is that you don’t have to consult your feelings every time an obligation presents itself. You have already decided what matters and developed habits accordingly. Why should today’s mood automatically overrule yesterday’s considered judgment that a particular relationship is worth preserving?
We increasingly hear complaints about loneliness and the difficulty of maintaining adult friendships. Yet many of the supposedly antiquated conventions of social obligation existed to prevent precisely that difficulty. You acknowledged birthdays, returned invitations, checked on sick friends, and occasionally contacted people for no particular reason. These rituals kept relationships alive during periods when nobody was feeling especially inspired. If the human species were worth a damn, you might think we could use our vaunted powers of reflection and foresight to steer a middle course between the Scylla of stifling village life and the Charybdis of atomized isolation. Perhaps we could voluntarily choose to live up to challenging obligations out of a considered conviction that doing so avoids the worst of each extreme. Obviously this is too idealistic. We prefer to swing like a pendulum from one extreme to the other instead and complain either way.
Imagine a society in which everyone habitually asks, “How will the other person feel if I don’t?” Everyone who has friends will have people looking out for them, just as they look out for others. Now imagine one in which everyone defaults to asking, “How do I feel about doing this?” Everyone enjoys complete freedom to disengage whenever the inclination strikes, while wondering why nobody ever bothers to contact them. It’s almost a reversal of Adam Smith’s famous insight about self-interest. In a functioning marketplace, pursuing our individual interests can produce benefits for others. In this social marketplace, everyone pursuing their own emotional comfort can produce a general shortage of the very consideration everyone wants to receive. An invisible hand that leaves everyone sitting at home waiting for someone else to message.






