I just can’t get all that worked up about the Texas Board of Education replacing Thomas Jefferson with John Calvin. Bit of a fait accompli, wouldn’t you say? Or, wait — to use a more folksy phrase since this is Texas we’re talking about, ain’t this a tad like closing the barn door after the hoss done long skedaddled? For years, I’ve told anyone who would listen, and many who wouldn’t, that Calvin should be considered one of the Founding Fathers for the influence he’s had on what it means to be an American. I mean, really — a France-loving polymath, a cosmopolitan intellectual on the one hand, and a grim religious lunatic on the other. Which one do you see grinning back at you from American society today?

And while I’m on about Great Ideas of Mine That No One Ever Listens To, I reiterate that the simple solution to any of the myriad problems bequeathed to us by the Lone Star State is to sell the fucking thing back to Mexico. We never have to worry about any more shitkicking Texans in the White House again, and they get to enjoy being the racial minority in their new country. And if they think they’ve got it bad now with the socialist tyranny that is the Obama administration, let them try rebelling against the drug cartels for their independence.