macho macho men

I’m Very Ape and Very Nice

By in macho macho men, solitude, Ω

Simon Pegg:

Masculinity reached a certain point in film where it became so ridiculous that it couldn’t go any further. Arnold Schwarzenegger was the perfect male in the “Terminator” pictures, in that he was made of metal and he was super-built. What happened then is that masculinity sort of got chipped away until you had a character like John McClane in “Die Hard”, who was slightly more vulnerable and, as such, imperfect. That was almost the beginning of dismantling the super-male into something more normal. Through that process, what used to be the Beta male became the Alpha male. You’ve got people like Seth Rogen, I guess myself, and Steve Carell and Paul Rudd—all slightly more normal guys that are taking the lead roles because it’s okay now to be imperfect and nerdy.

Okay, dismantling boneheaded machismo is fine and all, but I’m still staking out the Omega Male territory for myself and putting up a barbed-wire fence and a crocodile-infested moat. Not every outcast is hungering for acceptance and respectability.

No More Tears

By in macho macho men, work

See you laugh
See you dance
We take that all away every day
See you cry
We turn your head
And then we slap your face
Bow down
Bow down, live your life
Head down
Head down, hide that smile

— Soundgarden

 

V. started training on the job the same day I did. A young guy, polite, with a gentle, intelligent expression on his face. Working with him, I learned he was a fellow vegetarian (which he was enthused to discover), a cyclist, and a liberal Christian, with “Patience, Compassion, Simplicity” tattooed on his arm. He bemoaned the macho mentality of the electrical company he had worked at previously, but enjoyed working with his hands, he said, so he was hoping this would work out.

I could tell over the past month that the stress was getting to him, especially on one job we did together. He had a brief temper tantrum after we were done. Working with him again a couple weeks later, though, he actually broke down and cried over something relatively minor. I talked him through that one, but a week or so after that, he walked into the office and broke down again when one of the guys asked him how he was doing. I heard my boss’s wife say “Would you like me to have a talk with him, see if I can get him to grow some balls? Christ, I’ve got more balls than he does.”

You can guess what the other guys began to say about him. One of them entered him into his phone contacts as “V. the Flamer”, with a perky techno ringtone. Jokes about him being “an emotional one” soon followed, along with morbid humor about what the signal would be for one of the guys to take him out should he snap and come into work with a gun. He took up smoking just to try to calm his nerves, at the suggestion of one guy, and they made fun of him for the “fruity” way he held his cigarettes.

He had told me at one point that his goal was to try to get through the summer before quitting. Then I saw him two days ago at the office, where he had another crying spell in front of everybody. He told me then he only wanted to work long enough to get out of debt. But he gave his two week notice today, and the only reason he’s even sticking around that long is to avoid getting financially penalized for not lasting ninety days.

There’s the wisdom of experience for you — the only thing separating me from him is that I know most people can’t be trusted to be shown weakness. Never let the bastards know they’re getting to you.

This Literature Smells Like Ladyparts

By in gender, jests japes jokes jollies, macho macho men, writing

In an interview at the Royal Geographic Society on Tuesday about his career, Naipaul, who has been described as the “greatest living writer of English prose”, was asked if he considered any woman writer his literary match. He replied: “I don’t think so.” Of Austen he said he “couldn’t possibly share her sentimental ambitions, her sentimental sense of the world”.
He felt that women writers were “quite different”. He said: “I read a piece of writing and within a paragraph or two I know whether it is by a woman or not. I think [it is] unequal to me.”
The author, who was born in Trinidad, said this was because of women’s “sentimentality, the narrow view of the world”. “And inevitably for a woman, she is not a complete master of a house, so that comes over in her writing too,” he said.
He’s right, of course. And it’s even worse in the blogosphere, where writing isn’t nearly as polished and sublime as in the upper echelons of world literature. I can’t count how many times I’ve read a passage that may as well have been written with a finger dipped in menstrual blood. Honestly, womenfolk, I know you can’t help it, but writing can only ever be subpar when you get your ovaries all over it. Attend me: a properly written paragraph should greet the reader with a flinty gaze that vaguely hints at violence and a square, determined jawline dotted with three-day stubble, not a beaming grin and a giddy hug. The prose should roll around the tongue like the taste of undercooked meat, not comfort food. Evocative of potpourri, breast milk and clean linen, never; gunsmoke, sweat and freshly oiled leather; ahh, that’s the stuff.
But really, you shouldn’t be worrying your pretty little heads over this literary business anyway.

What Men Want

By in macho macho men

IBD:

You would think a leader whose “gutsy” decision to take out the evil mastermind behind 9/11 would be getting high-fives all around — and from men in particular. But not according to the latest IBD/TIPP Poll.
In fact, men are one of the few demographic groups whose opinion of President Obama is lower today than a month ago, before the Navy SEALs’ successful raid on Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan compound May 2.
Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I just tell you last week that we needed more balls in Myrrhica these days? I mean, come on. Killing a terrorist, dumping the body in the ocean and refusing to release the pictures? Pfft. Real men aren’t so easily impressed. If Obama wanted a bounce in the polls, he should have filmed a bukkake video with the SEALs on Osama’s bloody face. Hell, he should have personally skull-fucked him right in one of the bullet holes.
I remember when we had a real manly president who knew exactly what the situation called for:

Speaking of George Bush, with whom Sharon developed a very close relationship, Uri Dan recalls that Sharon’s delicacy made him reluctant to repeat what the president had told him when they discussed Osama bin Laden. Finally he relented. And here is what the leader of the Western world, valiant warrior in the battle of cultures, promised to do to bin Laden if he caught him: “I will screw him in the ass!”

What? No, that’s totally not gay. You just don’t understand how real men think. Maybe you should get some testosterone supplements, you fairy.

Revenge of the Nerds

By in jests japes jokes jollies, macho macho men

From Bruce Lee: Fighting Spirit:

I’m not sure whether Bruce’s sense of humor was “Chinese” or uniquely his own. Bruce used to act like a geek and let a street punk goad him. When the punk swung, Bruce would block it awkwardly and snap at the punk’s groin and incapacitate him with a blow that appeared to be an accident. As the punk rolled in pain, Bruce would cover his mouth with his hand and titter effeminately, then walk off. “A person can accept getting beaten by someone who is stronger or bigger than he is,” Bruce would explain, “but if he thinks he’s been beaten by a nerd, he’ll be pissed off for the rest of his life.”

All the outbursts of nationalist machismo and talk of “balls” this week reminded me of this anecdote. I’ve always loathed that type all my life — the knuckle-dragging, towel-snapping, rooster-strutting, macho meathead, obsessed with his dick and where he can put it. I studied martial arts when I was younger (a mixture of karate and aikido called niharate, mainly, plus some judo), and I used to harbor some intense fantasies of one day using those skills to humiliate jocks, rednecks and other testosterone-addled cretins. An artist friend of mine who had also dabbled in martial arts used to join me in dressing provocatively, with our super-long hair (I let mine grow from age 15-23), gaudy, dangly earrings and other jewelry, and slightly androgynous clothing. We got plenty of “Faggot!” jeers from across the room (and responded by blowing kisses just as often), but amazingly, never got any outright confrontations over it. Eventually, I realized that once I had achieved a certain ability to cause serious harm if I wanted to, the urge to do so faded. Most of that anger was born of powerlessness, and when you finally have the actual power to break bones easily or incapacitate someone with a few short moves, you feel a responsibility to not abuse that power. Dammit.
Still, I always thought that was the most deliciously awesome story. I love that kind of humor.

But We’ve Got the Biggest Balls of Them All

By in gender, germans supported their troops too, macho macho men, ohferfucksake, waiting for the barbarians

You know, when I survey the last decade or so of Myrrhkin culture and foreign policy, one thought comes immediately to mind: Not bad, but it needs more testosterone. The cable news court jester agrees with me:

Last night on “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart broke down the deeper implications of Osama bin Laden’s death. Namely: America grew some balls, and we’re back.
“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the demise of another human being, but no,” Stewart said, before admitting that he was too close to the story of bin Laden and the terrorist attacks of 9/11 to be objective. “Last night was a good night, for me. Not just for people in New York and Washington, but for human people.”
Watch through the end to watch America literally grow a pair.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, do! Balls are funny! And balls = courage! Men have balls! The bigger the better! Real men like to swing their balls around for everyone to see and rub them against things, don’t they? Hey, you know who doesn’t have balls? Wimps. And women. But I repeat myself. You know what women have? Pussies. Pussies = cowardice! Pussies are the absence of balls! The anti-balls! You don’t want to be a pussy, do you, boy? Then show us your balls!
Sorry, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, whoever else we’re attacking right now. Sorry ’bout all yr dead d00dz, but you understand, our balls. We lost ’em. We had to avenge ’em. It’s what menfolk do! (The ones who aren’t big gay pussies, that is.) It’s like that whole sordid Osiris/Seth/Horus saga. Dicks being chopped off and thrown into a river to be eaten by fish, retaliatory castrations, what a mess. But we’ve got our balls back now, so we’ll be content to sit around on the couch scratching them.
If we don’t see some leaked photos of the Navy SEALs all taking turns draping their hairy beanbags on Osama’s forehead right next to the bullet holes, I’m going to be severely disappointed. Maybe Wikileaks can get on that. For now, I’m going to photoshop a pair of bumper nuts to a picture of the Myrrhkin flag and have it airbrushed onto the back of my truck. FUCK YEAH WOOHOO….

Territorial Pissings

By in gender, jests japes jokes jollies, macho macho men, samesecks

The Guardian:

You may not want to know this – and it would be sensible to wait until after breakfast before reading any further – but, apparently, lots of German men nowadays routinely sit down to pee… Stand-up men, let it simply be said, are messier than their seated brethren – and almost never bother to clean up. In some German homes, little notices are tacked to the underside of the toilet seat so that seat-raising males are reminded to consider their options.

Heh. I’d like to see someone suggest this to American men. As far back as I can remember, I’ve heard it used as a gay-baiting insult to say that a guy sits down to piss. Further confirmation of the idea that ultimately, the real problem most macho, macho men have with gays is that they’re perceived as acting like women. Gender traitors, if you will. Real men spray like tomcats, goddamnit.

No, Al Swearengen, No

By in gender, george carlin, language, macho macho men, sex-you-all

Things you never hear: “Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.”

– George Carlin
On another occasion, America’s greatest modern philosopher also said:

“I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There’s nothing wrong with suckin’ dicks. Men do it, women do it; can’t be all bad if everybody’s doin’ it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That’s my advice. I’m here to help.”

“Cocksucker.” Such a common epithet, isn’t it? Who hasn’t used it on occasion? And yet, and yet…has there ever been a more unjustly denigrated activity, a more unfairly maligned pastime? Find me a man, one single, solitary man, I say, who would claim to be opposed to blowjobs on practical or philosophical grounds, and you will have also found a brazen liar. Indeed, Mr. Carlin, there is nothing wrong with it at all.
Isn’t it time for the opprobrium to end?
I don’t say this out of some p.c. consideration, because I do think language will always evade our attempts to place it under ideological restraints. But neither does it follow, I think, that enlightened individuals can’t choose their words more carefully to better reflect their values and more accurately describe the world they see. When you see how many of our most vicious insults are sexual terms rooted in ugly, troglodytic attitudes that should be consigned to the dust heap of history, why continue to use them and validate the mentality that spawned them? And in the case of a word like “cocksucker”, which manages to combine misogyny and homophobia, with the aforementioned hypocrisy as a bonus, what cosmopolitan, civilized person could object to making a change?
Therefore, I move that we substitute a very similar word for it: “cockbiter“. As you can see, this is hardly a drastic adjustment, phonetically speaking, but what a world of difference it makes in meaning! Who has any sympathy for the scoundrel too careless to avoid dragging an incisor along the sensitive shaft? What man doesn’t fight to suppress an involuntary shudder at the thought of the sacred trust between tongue and glans being violated by the hostile interjection of bicuspids? Hell, maybe Freud actually got something right for a change!
With our ire more appropriately directed at those ignoble cretins who fail to approach their task with the required skill and gravitas rather than the act itself, “cocksucker” can take its rightful place as a term of endearment and affection. I look forward to that great day when you can go to the “Cocksucker’s Day” section of Hallmark to pick out a card to send to your favorite practitioner, but that long journey begins with this simple step.
Change we can believe in, my friends.

Smack My Bitch Up

By in macho macho men, psychology

Don’t repent to a bruise
He says that he still loves you
Tell me why does he hit you?

— VAST

I seem to know a lot of fucking assholes. I guess I’m just lucky.

Anyway, I had read a few different articles about the whole Chris Brown/Rhianna situation, and I was struck by something that was reinforced by my conversations with different acquaintances when the topic came up — it’s strange how quickly people look to express their anger and frustration at her for putting up with his abusive behavior. “If she’s too stupid to leave him, the bitch deserves what she gets” being a common sentiment.

Deserves? Maybe if you use it in the sense that yes, her failure to do something to end the abuse will predictably lead to more beatings until she’s in a coma or the morgue, but obviously they mean it in the sense of a moral judgment, as if the victim is just as contemptible as her attacker. I just don’t get that. A minute ago, she was an innocent person minding her own business as far as you knew; now it’s only fair if she gets beaten repeatedly for not reacting the way you want her to?

I don’t understand why people like this act as if their sympathy is a precious resource that must be conserved as much as possible. Why is it so hard to recognize that the psychological aspects of people in abusive situations isn’t quite so cut-and-dried for them as it is for an outsider? Why isn’t the reaction more along the lines of just hoping that her friends and family can help her through this? I’d personally rather be angry at the fact that nice, easy-going people get taken advantage of and victimized by worthless sacks of shit like Brown than to be angry that not everyone walks around with a hard-as-nails attitude, ready to fight at the drop of a hat.

Of course, to be generous, it could be a form of self-protection itself — when people feel powerless to affect a situation, it’s probably easier for their peace of mind to wash their hands of it and walk away than to continue to feel upset about it but helpless to stop it. Still, blaming the victim is a pretty cowardly and shitty thing to do.

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